I'm 56, I have a picture of myself, the matriarch of my family, full of wisdom, imparting life's secrets to my appreciative children and grandchildren. Scratch that.
With each passing day I am more and more convinced that I know less and less about it all. Nothing makes sense anymore. Things that should be timeless seem not to withstand that test. Common sense seems not to count for much. And while this is not a bitter lambasting of how everything's gone to hell in a hand-basket, it is perhaps the proverbial shaking of the fist at the sky.
There is something drastically wrong when good men want to work, and send out resume after resume with zero results. Men with Master's degrees, or two good hands, both represent hard work. I have lost my good man for a while. He's lost himself and his dignity I fear and it breaks my heart. I try to carry the load, but how I miss him, and I'm so scared I won't make it. I'm tired and weary of all this. And without him, what's the point? So i'm trying to hold on until he returns. I miss him so much, his jokes, his laugh...I really miss his laugh...his twinkle in his eyes. I've watched him slowly fade away. He remains faithful to duty, but his eyes are blank. I will stand by him until I fade away myself. So we pass the days, living in the same space, but just floating from room to room.
All that said, and meant, that afore mentioned clenched fist thrust upward to the sky, was not a thinly veiled reference to God. God is the only One who makes waking up each day possible right now. God is the only One who gives strength when mine fails, comfort when there's nowhere to go and peace when I think there is none. God is the power that places one foot in front of the other each day. When I find my heart filled with doubt, anger, skepticism and apathy all at once, I know where my answer lies. I go, be alone with Him, pour it all out, even when my anger is misguided because it is at Him. He takes it all, lets me talk and rant, then...like magic...He holds me in His arms and it all washes away, like dirt. I came in the room in one state and leave in a completely different state. He is my Refuge, my Hope, my Salvation, my Peace.
So, tomorrow, i'll do it all again and try to be grateful for all that I do have, there is much.
