In the Wilderness

Knowing I am safe in His hands, there are days that the flesh wins. Tonight I am weary to the point of oblivion. I feel as tho there is no more me. Every layer gone, the core is left and in the process of the peeling, the purpose is lost. What's left is a mystery. There seems to be no life, no salvagable parts. I will journey to the well again, and soon, but for tonight I have no energy to take the first step. Still, I know even that He will do for me. I will remain in this desert, contemplating, reflecting...but to what end? Feeling misunderstood times a hundred, filled with personal failures, dreams and ideals lost in time, hope lies spilled out before me, soaking into the dried ground. I'll spread my blanket under the stars and look up into the face of God and weep. Weep for all that was lost, for every sparkling dream that dried up and fell to earth to shatter, for the imperfections that have permeated the present. For the inability to live in these present times without swallowing so much pride that I silently choke while smiling. To be strangled by invisible hands and lie down in a disguised coffin. Tomorrow, I am confident that I will wake in His presence, and all these words, these ideas will feel as foreign to me as tho someone else penned them. I trust in His ability to transform, renew and fill with promise. For now, i'm tired.

Once in a while....

You get one of those days. Days when possibilities seem endless, when peace reigns in your corner of creation and all seems right with the world. The morning began with getting to church with the little dog in tow. Seemed only right, being the last Sunday outdoors, serving special food. And so she went bedecked in her little pink-heart halter, kept always on her leash. Sadie doesn't mind, she can even sit up and beg impervious to it's pull. Several kids were delighted to see our furry child, one even wants to grow up and be a mommy and have a baby and name her Sadie. :) And many adults showed their softer side at the sight of her and commented on her cuteness. :) The food was fabulous, Jon's pulled pork was sublime, and the spicy slaw I made was a perfect accompaniment. The gentle people of Calvary Church seemed to enjoy the meal and I have had several requests for my slaw recipe. :) It was a scene worthy of a painting, or some kind of remembrance. People ate their food, chatted, laughed. As I watched from my chair perched on the edge of the green by the BBQ, I was moved at how this family loved one another. Smiles everywhere, kids running and playing around the circumference of parents and grandparents, harmony personified. And over all, the subtle and sweet Holy Spirit we share between us. After the festivities were over, Dave stayed to clean up, I headed home with our little beast, she so very tired after all the socializing and pleading for crumbs. Once home, comfortable clothes put on, I turned on the TV, the little dog curled up beside me, and we rested. In the meantime Dave came in and said he was going to take a nap, so we took our little friend's bed in with us and laid down and had a nice nap all around. The phone rang, it was Ron telling us to come over if we wanted, Mick was home. So we gathered up the little dog once again, after all, Ron is like her Godfather, she loves him so, and headed out. We all sat and chatted on the porch about venison, goats, llamas, sermons, food, various insignificant subjects, and Dave told Mick and Kate about living in Sicily for 2 years. Meanwhile, our furry child was out and about the property, ending up with a coat full of stickers for me and Dave (mostly Dave, bless him) to pick out of her velvety fur, poor baby, some hurt. But i'm certain if she could speak, she would say..."pull on dear ones, the adventure was well worth the pain!" We came home, had something to eat and settled in with TV. Our little furry child curled up on Dave's Steeler throw and was out like a light. Big day for the little dog. And now the other 2 are in bed and i'm in here. What a perfect day I have been thinking, so full of life and people and love. To end the day knowing you were with those you love and care about from start to finish is a very contented feeling....and a precursor to eternity....sounds pretty great. :)

When does it come? When finally all your kids are doing okay, you have a home that's paid off, you have decent health insurance and a little money to do some things you waited all your life to do?

My life couldn't be more the extreme opposite, some my own doing, some not. And when does forgiveness include forgetting? Never I fear. There is no security outside of Christ for us, and that, perhaps, is why it is what it is. Most of us, even Christians, tend to lean wholly on the Lord only when things are not so perfect, the tougher the sitch, the harder the leaning. Which is of course, exactly what He wants all the time. But something in us eases up on the prayers when things improve. What is that?!

I resist the urge to launch into a discourse on how ungrateful we are and how we ought to be thankful. We know this, and there is no condemnation in Christ....and I have found none. Still, there is something to be said for an awareness of grace and mercy.

In my life, regardless of the cause, I have survived a heartbreak so all-encompassing that I feared I would not survive it, and indeed, part of me didn't. That idyllic, child-like trust is gone for good, never to return. I have found I can trust...but not like that, not again. Maybe that's good. Maybe that kind of naivetee is destructive. But I do know this, i'll never be one to destroy it in another, never. "Let your illusions last, until they shatter," Jackson Browne got it right.

I have never supported myself, probably never will. That is something that I am ashamed of, but looking back, i'd do it the same. No way after a child is molested do you even consider leaving them in anyone's care ever again. So you live on high-starch meals because they're cheap, make movie night as good as a theater...or close, buy items only on sale, and pray every night for things to get better somehow. You stand in line at Human Services, one face in a sea of faces, hoping, praying that all goes thru and you can get just a little help. I think it's amazing and right that people get help with their medical issues, and housing, my gosh you've got to live so you can try and better yourself. But the whole experience is de-humanizing and impersonal. To go from your very nice middle-class home, new cars, comprehensive medical and dental insurance, to a very small apartment with 2 kids, no insurance and no real way to pay the rent, leaves a scar I can tell you. We survived, and many times we shouldn't have...only God. But now, this much farther down the line and nothing's changed really.

I am grateful and thankful to have food, to have a roof over our heads, etc. But I miss some of the things I had years ago. And there's a thick, impenetrable scar on my heart, and when you hurt me, even a little, it says to me, oh yeah, dummy, you forgot, you can't trust anyone...ever...EVER. But I want to trust you, with all my heart. But survival is paramount, so only time will tell.

So, I see I have written something down here, good, finally. I will end and go back to wondering why.